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My misadventures on display for all to read.

Let Me Show You A Few Things

show you a few things about love. - Justin Timberlake

It's been almost a year since posting and boy, do I have some surprises for you!

Many of my friends are in relationships, either with a spouse, significant other, pillow, or favorite cheese. I have almost always been single, unless you count that time when I was five years old and my Korean friend kissed me in the laundry closet. Honestly, I was at his birthday to eat as much kimchi as I could stand, but he clearly sought out a spicier dish. Now that I am of age, my friends are usually encouraging me to date online or in person, write Hugh Jackman, attend Meetups. Be anything but single. 

A group of these women, who I deemed the Amazons, decided it their duty to buy me a subscription to How About We. The premise of the online dating site is to propose an action and do it with the interested party. My friends insisted on writing my profile and since they were paying, a contract followed. Over the next couple of weeks, I will share the rules, what ensued, and responses to the email reflections I had to write. The men and Amazons will remain anonymous, but trust me, that won't make much of difference. 

Suited up for the job!

Suited up for the job!

Terms and Conditions for 6-month contract

CatholicGelt hereby agrees to the following in accordance with our 6 month gift subscription to How About We

  • 2.5 dates/month (15 dates total during the contract period)
  • Written report following each date sent to the email recipients included herein
  • No Facebook posts shall be made by anyone on this email list in regard to this contract or information provided in the written reports
  • CatholicGelt is required to use utmost discretion in her incorporation of date material in any stand-up routine
  • CatholicGelt is not permitted to share any content from these dates during the 6 month contract period or for 1 month following the 6 month contract period
  • Any changes to the profile must be approved by the signors of this contract and will take place only where three or more signors are present 
  • Other terms and conditions may be added at the discretion of its authors

Signed,

CatholicGelt

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Tally's Hookers to the Rescue

Last weekend, Monk Francais visited me and Swedish Lief for a three day trip to Montreal. That trip came to a grinding halt in Gloucester, MA, less than 100 miles from home and within AAA free towing limits.

 

It all began with a late brunch stop over in Newburyport. Swedish Lief witnessed our mixologist pour the vodka for a hefty four seconds before adding the blood orange to my cosmo. Efficient and ideal for a one drink wonder, such as myself. 

After exploring Newburyport, we made our way to the next seaside town. In route, Monk Francais heard a loud grinding near the front, right tire. Playing with death, Swedish Lief violently pumped the breaks three times. That's when the breaks went out completely.

Car still in working order.

Tally's Hookers is a tow truck company that can lift submarines, railway cars, or construction equipment, making our situation look like a first grader's math problem. 

Andrew, our knight in a hoodie sweatshirt, drove the car onto the tow truck, and then the sixty miles to our Boston mechanic.

We rolled into a cell phone dead zone somewhere in Gloucester. Frantically, we divided tasks and tried to find reception. I called the mechanics in Boston. Swedish Lief phoned AAA. Monk Francais researched our next meal. In less than thirty minutes, Tally's Hookers arrived. 

Not an actual reenactment.

Thank the heavens we were only a five minute walk from Halibut Point's oysters and beer, where they charged Swedish Lief $516 for dinner. Any good Jewish Catholic knows an evening spent with Hookers ought to be followed by overpriced shellfish and ale.